As Lovers Go
by lachambre11
Summary: Sequel to "Don't Confess". Sirius dreams about Remus after their confrontation on James and Lily's wedding. Slash, RLSB. Don't like it, don't read it.
1. I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got

**As Lovers Go**

**Chapter 1 – I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got.**

**AN: **This story is a sequel to "Don't Confess" but can stand alone as well. If you want to, go to my profile and check out its prequel. It's pretty short, one chapter, and I hope it's worth it.

**Recommended song for this chapter: 23 - Jimmy Eat World**

* * *

_"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."_

**Emily Bronte**

* * *

_"So I'm gonna ask you one more time…Why you're acting like this with me?"_

_"Because I'm in love with you."_

_Then came that delicious oblivion and their lips were pressed together, their tongues caressing each other. Remus's hand was leaning on his chest, his eyes gazing into his…_

Sirius woke up with a jolt, as realization dawned on him. He was having one of those dreams again. He shifted his position in bed, refusing to acknowledge his raging hard on and the cold sweat that covered his body.

Must he always return to that fateful night?

_"Please, Padfoot…"_

_"I'm sorry, Remus…"_

It was bad enough he and Moony had barely spoken since the incident at James's wedding. It had been three months, and they had only met twice since then. Once had been when James and Lily returned from their honeymoon The second time had been two weeks earlier, when Sirius had accidentally ran into him in Diagon Alley.

And Remus wasn't by himself.

A tall, grey-ish eyed young man, with sleek black hair was window-shopping with Remus and their hands were linked together…with his friend. I made Sirius blood boil with anger and outrage. Moony rarely let anyone else but Sirius touch him like that.

Remus casually introduced the two, cool and collected as always.

"Sirius, this is Damian McDougall. Damian, this is my mate, Sirius Black."

They shook hands and it didn't go unnoticed by Sirius the way that Remus avoided meeting his gaze and failed to tease him like he used to do.

Their friendship used to be easy, now it was plain awkward.

The bloke, who looked like a self-absorbed prat, (granted, he had only exchanged two words with the man), took Remus's hand, muttered a "Pleased to meet you" and took his Remus away before Sirius could utter a "How are you?" or something similar.

Sirius had a feeling that this Damian person wasn't just a friend. He tiptoed around the issue with Lily until she angrily told him off with a "Why don't you just _ask_ **him**, Black?" and he decided to let the matter rest.

Had Remus moved on from him?

Why he was so bothered by this possibility?

He wasn't into guys. He was pretty sure he liked girls. Merlin, he knew he _loved_ the girls, with their soft legs and round breasts. He loved to kiss them and shag them.

But he missed Moony.

He missed the way Moony snorted when he tried to make fun of his tidying habits. He missed the way his hazel eyes always seem to scan the room to meet his. He missed the way Remus always smelled like cinnamon and coffee. He missed the way he felt when Remus hugged him fiercely, like he wasn't planning on letting go. And he mostly missed the way Moony had a special smile he only smiled to him, to Sirius.

But he couldn't return his friend's feelings.

Right?

He knew he loved Remus, but Sirius was one hundred percent sure he wasn't _in love _with him.

And he just wished those terrible dreams - the ones that took him right back to when it had all fallen apart – would just stop.

* * *

He loved the mornings. Being woken up by the gentle rays of sunlight. The way he felt invigorated after a peaceful night of sleep.

He wasn't sleeping much, though; Damian kept him very busy.

It was quite a comfort for him to have someone like Damian. Someone who never asked questions when he caught him crying in the middle of the night, and just gently pulled him into a hug. Someone that knew about Remus's lycantrophy but never made him feel _less_ because of it.

Someone whom he might love and would love him back.

It wasn't likely that his love for Sirius would fade away, though.

No, he knew for sure, his first love would remain until it faded into a silent ache he only felt occasionally.

Or so he hoped.

But Remus was tired of sleeping alone and waking up to nothing. He was sick of feeling the hopeless despair he felt, of loving someone who never would love him back. He got tired of longing, needing, and never having it.

So Remus adopted a new motto.

_"I do not want what I haven't got."_

He murmured this to himself every time he woke up and found a mess of black hair sprawled into his favourite pillow and his heart pounded faster until he realized it wasn't Sirius's hair. It wasn't him at all, and would never be.

_"Just get over it."_

Remus despised himself, for he knew how pathetic he was being. Lily had told him that not so long ago.

"Stop fooling around, Remus. You don't want McDougall, you want Black. It's pointless to be with someone just to kill the pain."

"You should know it, right Lily? Weren't you the girl that gave up her virginity to the Sirius in question when Snape broke your heart?"

He might as well just have slapped her in the face. If he kept this up, he would be friendless by Christmas.

* * *

Sirius cursed himself. He was, probably, the stupidest person in the whole wide world, magical and non-magical alike.

What the hell was he doing, standing in front of Moony's doorstep?

What did he want to say to him?

Sorry? He had already said that, and look at how well it had turned out for them.

He stood there, frozen. He should knock. He should run away from that place as fast as possible. He should walk away before he did something stupid.

Suddenly, the door opened up and Sirius almost smiled, relieved.

But, it wasn't Remus that stood there.

It was that what's-his-face bloke, wearing nothing but tight white briefs and holding a mug that said "Moony me!" It was the one Sirius had given Remus for Christmas when they were in their fourth year at Hogwarts.

White as a sheet, Sirius abruptly asked:

"What the **fuck** are _you _doing here?"

Damian winced.

"I'm picking up the paper. _Who_ are _**you**_?"

Sirius was hurt. He liked to think he was unforgettable.

"I'm Remus's friend."

"Oh."

Damian just stared.

"What's taking you so long, love?"

Sirius froze. Was Remus calling this moronic tea-rag love? He never called _anyone_ by pet names, except the Marauders.

So, did that meant this bloke was Remus's lover? Does it meant he was serious about this ogre?

Sirius felt like throwing up.

Then it got worse.

Remus showed up. Nude. As in, starkers. And he gasped when he saw him standing there.

Moony was...**big**. As in very well endowed. More than Sirius had ever imagined. Not that he imagined much. Right?

"I'm so sorry, Moony. I didn't know you had company." Sirius felt his throat scratching and he felt like punching something. Or _someone_. Maybe Damian. Mmmm… That wasn't such a bad idea.

"Sirius? Are you listening to me?"

"What?" – He snapped out of his day-dream in which he broke Damian's nose and found a now dressed Remus, tying up his navy-blue robe – "Sorry, Moony, I wasn't."

"I said it was good to see you."

_Yeah, right._

"Thanks, I guess."

And he just stood there, staring. Like a complete lunatic. Damian and Remus exchanged glances before he left. Remus was still waiting for Sirius to say something.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything. The way I acted after the wedding. The way I'm acting now. I'm sorry."

"I already knew you're sorry."

"Well, I am."

"What do you want from me Padfoot?" Remus spat. Sirius realized he was rubbing fresh salt into their wounds. "You said you were sorry before. I got it the last time. I'm fine. What more do you want from me?"

"I want us to be friends again. Like before."

Remus stared into his eyes, as if trying to see if he was a lunatic or just a person who hadn't got a clue.

"Sirius… You know it's impossible for me to do that." Sirius nodded. He knew. "And I'm sorry for wrecking things for us, but…I couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. I hope you understand that in order for me to move on, I _need_ to be apart from you." Sirius looked at him, shocked and hurt. "At least for now."

"I don't want you to." Even without looking into Remus's eyes, Sirius felt the astonishment they expressed. "I don't want you to move on, or get over it. And the reason I don't want you to…it's because…" He breathed in and out, hard. This was it. "It's because I think I'm…in love with you."

* * *


	2. Consequence

**As Lovers Go**

**Chapter 2**** – Consequence**

**A.N: **So here it is. The second chapter of Sirius and Remus's story. Hope you guys enjoy it, and don't forget to let know your thoughts. No flames, please.

Oh, and I also don't own Judy Garland nor (sight) Chris Daughtry. If I did, she would've still be alive and Daughtry would be lying in satin sheets beside me. If you think this is graphic, you must enter my mind then. Cheers!

**Recommended songs for this chapter: **Crashed (acoustic version) - Chris Daughtry and The Man That Got Away - Judy Garland.

* * *

"I hope you understand that in order for me to move on, I _need _to be apart from you." Sirius looked at him, shocked and hurt. "At least for now."

"I don't want you to." Even without looking into Remus's eyes, Sirius could feel the astonishment they expressed. "I don't want you to move on, or get over it. And the reason I don't want you to…it's because…" He breathed in and out, hard. This was it. "It's because I think I'm…in love with you."

_"Well I was moving at the speed of sound._

_Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and_

_Didn't know that I was going down._

_Yeah, yeah."_

Then Sirius threw caution to the wind and finally did what he had been dreaming of for three months.

Sirius Black kissed Remus Lupin.

Well, more like he _jumped _Remus Lupin.

_"Where I've been, well, it's all a blur._

_What I was looking for, I'm not sure._

_Too late and didn't see it coming._

_Yeah, yeah."_

At first, the kiss was hurried, desperate and one-sided, for Remus was letting Sirius do as he pleased and just stood there, his body stiff and his lips clamped shut. Then a miracle happened, and suddenly he felt Remus's body melting into his.

_"And then I crashed into you,_

_And I went up in flames._

_Could've been the death of me,_

_But then you breathed your breath in me."_

When Remus kissed him back, a jolt of electricity coursed through his body and for the first time in what it felt like a hundred years, Sirius felt truly and completely alive.

When they broke apart, Sirius kept his eyes closed.

He wanted to savour this moment forever. The way they kissed felt so…_**right**_. Like Remus's mouth was made to be kissed by Sirius's.

_"And I crashed into you,_

_Like a runaway train._

_You will consume me,_

_But I can't walk away."_

* * *

_"Somehow, I couldn't stop myself._

_I just wanted to know how it felt._

_Too strong, I couldn't hold on._

_Yeah, yeah."_

Remus thought he had heard it wrong. He felt as if he had been under a body bind curse and couldn't move or utter a word. Had he heard it right? Or was his mind was playing tricks on him? Maybe he was still asleep and had dreamed the whole thing? Maybe he had finally lost his wits?

_"Now I'm just trying to make some sense_

_Out of how and why this happened._

_Where we're heading, there's just no knowing._

_Yeah, yeah."_

But then, Sirius _kissed_ him, as he had always wanted to be kissed. Remus was completely gobsmacked, and he remained stiff as Sirius kissed him with a desperation he had never dreamed Sirius could feel, especially for him. And when he sighed Remus's name into his mouth and gently cupped his cheeks with his hands, Moony felt his body melting into Sirius of its own accord, as if it was independent from his brain.

_"And then I crashed into you,_

_And I went up in flames._

_Could've been the death of me,_

_But then you breathed your breath in me."_

So, Remus kissed him back, he just gave in to the fire Sirius ignited in him, completely ignoring the fact that his boyfriend,_ his_ _fucking lover_, was sitting in the next room, wondering what could've been happening; but being too polite to barge into a conversation between friends.

And for a moment, he felt more alive than he had ever felt his entire life.

_"And I crashed into you,_

_Like a runaway train._

_You will consume me,_

_But I can't walk away."_

* * *

Then Sirius made one mistake. He pulled away slightly, and the magic was broken. He opened his eyes, and Remus's cold and blank stare was directed at him. Uncomfortable, he said the first thing that popped into his mind.

"Moony?"

Silence. Nothing but cold, stony silence met his ears.

Tentatively, Sirius asked "Moony? Say something?!"

No response. It was as if Remus had just left the building.

This is getting ridiculous, Sirius thought.

"You know, this is the moment when you say 'I love you too'."

That seemed to snap Remus out of his trance-like state. He looked at Sirius with such venom in his eyes that it made the Animagus cringe.

"**Fuck you, Sirius**."

And he turned around and closed the door in his face.

* * *

When Sirius whimpered and pulled away slightly, the moment was over and guilt washed over Remus like a killing curse. Damian didn't deserve this, whatever this was, and Remus had to stop it.

So, he pulled away and saw the amazed look on Sirius's face, his heart breaking into a thousand pieces, for he had to push him away. Sirius was dangerous. He made him forget about commitment and the promises he had made, to Damian and to himself.

Sirius made him want to forget about the world and curl up next to him in bed until they died of lack of nourishment or hygiene, whichever came first.

It scared him the way he was ready to just forget about everything. About the man that loved him. About the fact that Sirius had rejected him before. That when he had told Sirius how he really felt about him, he had looked at him as if he was a complete stranger, like he had never seen Remus before…and it had killed him.

He despised himself for being all ready and willing to hand to Sirius Black, man-whore extraordinaire, his heart on a silver platter.

So, when Sirius said, "You know, this is the moment when you say 'I love you' too" it just _hit_ him.

Sirius hadn't changed one bit. He had said he loved him, and kissed him, disregarding completely the fact that Remus had moved on. The fact that he had said himself he couldn't be with Remus at James's wedding and had now changed his mind proved that Sirius was still the same. He couldn't bear to lose.

This wasn't about new-found feeling, it was about ownership. It was about taking something from someone, something Sirius thought belonged to him.

Remus.

So, he got angry. Or more like murderous; and spat:

"**Fuck you, Sirius**." And walked away.

He couldn't let him see his tears.

* * *

"James, did Sirius tell you what happened at Remus's?"

"Sort of. He mostly drank, and between gulps he mumbled something about it."

"James! You have to talk to him! What he did was heartless! "

Lily was angry with them and tired of babying James's friends. She wasn't their mother. She wasn't anyone's mother.

Sirius and Remus were being stupid gits.

"No, I don't Lily. Sirius is a grown man, and he doesn't like heart-warming talks. And to be honest, I think it's just a phase."

"_You've got to be kidding me!_"

"A phase?"

James finally noticed the death glare she was giving him and realized he was in dangerous territory.

"He broke Remus's heart at our wedding, and then he went and did it again! He thinks he's in love with him just because he can't stand seeing Remus with someone else! Sirius Black is not gay, James, and we both know it."

James looked away, and Lily mentally kicked herself for reviving this skeleton.

He knew about her fling with one of his best friends, and he had let it go for a long time. But the thought of Lily being with someone else other than him made him sick to his stomach. The idea of Sirius and her together, all hot and sweaty, still made him flinch and want to hit something.

* * *

_"The night is bitter,_

_The stars have lost their glitter;_

_The winds grow colder_

_And suddenly you're older -_

_And all because of the man that got away."_

The decadent Muggle cabaret was full of customers listening to a transvestite singer butcher a beautiful song about a woman and the man she loved.

Sirius was sitting by the bar, trying to blend in and being completely rubbish at it, since he was wearing dark pants, a black leather jacket and getting plastered while everyone there was either female or a man dressed as one.

Miserable, Sirius was trying to block out the screeches of the singer and drink his way out of a heartache.

He couldn't understand what had gone wrong with Remus. He had finally figured out what he wanted, whom he wanted. So why did the daft prick just walk away?

No one ever walked away from him!

Well, except for Lily. But that really didn't count, not really, as what they'd had was a meaningless affair. He had helped her get over Severus and got great shags and a friend out their deal. James had eventually forgiven them, and it all turned out well.

What Sirius couldn't understand was why Moony told him he loved him but turned him down when he reached out for him.

He was in love with him. Fuck, he even went and made a fool out of himself by telling him this. And he had never, ever, told someone he loved them in that way, meaning it. So, Sirius had done the hard part, right?

After this, wasn't it supposed to be easy? Then, why wasn't it?

Why does it hurt so badly?

He needed a drink.

He needed a fuck.

He would get them both. He wasn't fussy about it. As long as it was pretty and it tasted nice, he could shag and drink it. Or, in the truthful version of his habits, drink and shag it.

It had taken him three months to realize the reality of his feelings. It had taken him two weeks to summon up the courage to voice and act on them. It would take him a lifetime of meaningless shags and random pubs to get over the fact that the whole thing had blown up in his face.

"It'll get better."

He was barely drunk and already hearing voices.

Rock bottom for Sirius Black.

"Look up, wanker."

James was staring down at him, his eyes shining with amusement and something else… Anger? Disappointment? Mischief? Sirius couldn't bring himself to care. He wasn't in the mood for a heartening conversation about love and its difficulties. He had had enough of love for a lifetime.

"A cross-gender Muggle cabaret? Isn't this a little bit predictable?"

"Kiss my arse, Prongsie."

"You're lovely when you're pissed."

"How did you find me here?"

"I used my amazing skills as a Wizard." Sirius shot him an incredulous look. "Alright, we came here once before with the lads. For Frank's Stag Party."

"Freshen up my memory." Sirius took a shot of the amber liquid. "And my drink."

"The night when you dared Fabian and Gideon to take the stage and do a rendition of that bloody song that got stuck in my head for weeks!"

"(I can't get no) Satisfaction?" Sirius bark-like laugh echoed through the cabaret, but nobody was paying him any attention, all eyes were glued to the transvestite performing on the stage. "I'm brilliant aren't I? Fabian was so sloshed he snogged the waiter dressed as Marilyn Monroe until he realized she was a bloke. And the way Moony kept blushing when…"

He stopped talking and took another shot of the amber liquid. It burned his throat and it felt good. This kind of pain distracted from the other kind.

"Sit down, Prongsie. I'm getting a crick on my neck from looking up. Let's get smashed like we were that night."

"Sorry, mate, but I can't. Lily will put me under a house-arrest hex if I show up half as shit-faced as I was after that party."

"You're a right poof."

"The pot calling the kettle black."

"Kiss my arse."

"Again? Aren't you eloquent tonight?" Sirius smirked. "What?"

"Learning new words, Jamesy-boy? Lily also makes you read dictionaries?"

"Yes, and if I do it she beds me until we're both knackered."

"I so didn't need to hear that." James laughed and sat down. "Lily's a great lass, Prongs. When did you know she was the one for you?"

"I guess I really knew for sure when we kissed for the first time." Sirius was looking positively alarmed, but James didn't notice and continued. "I felt like I hadn't truly lived until that moment."

"Sod this," Sirius took another shot. "I'm fucked. I find out I fancy Moony, and he doesn't want me anymore." He filled his glass. "That's frigging great, Prongs! Remus is the one! What I'm supposed to do? I can't keep on feeling like shite anymore."

"It'll get better."

"How do you know it will?" The words stumbled out of this mouth before Sirius could stop them from coming. "How do you know it won't get worse?"

"I just know, for I'm the master of feelings and mushy shit." Sirius just glared at him, and James chuckled. "Look, I was able to get past what happened between you and Lily. Sometimes it felt like I never could, but I did, and it was the best decision I've ever made." James half-hugged a reluctant Sirius. "So, it will get better. What did you keep telling me all those years I spent pining after Lily?"

"She'll come around."

"Exactly. And you were right. Remus will come around too. He just needs to learn you can be trusted, to be assured your feelings are real. Moony isn't exactly the kind of bloke to act impulsively, like us. He goes for facts, for history. And when it comes to history, yours can be a bit…sketchy. So if you really want Moony, you have to stop doing what you do. No more drinking in pubs or cabarets, and no more whoring around, mate."

"Do you think it's going to work?"

"I hope so. Lily will divorce me if your sorry arse keeps showing up at our doorstep, pissed and whining about Remus and the sodding-white-boxers that Damian wears. I haven't been able to look him in the eyes since."

"Prat."

"Whatever you say, Pads…"

_"Ever since this world began_

_There is nothing sadder than_

_A one-man woman looking for_

_The man that got away..._

_The man that got away."_

* * *

**AN: So? Cyber hugs to all reviewers!**


	3. If You Can't Leave It Be

**As Lovers Go - Chapter 3 **

**If You Can't Leave It Be...Might As Well Make It Bleed.**

"_I'm making my peace,  
making it with distance.  
Maybe that's a big mistake,  
you know I'm thinking of you.  
I miss you._

_You'll change your mind come Monday,  
and turn your back on me.  
You'll take your steps away with hesitance,  
You'll take your steps away from me."_

**Cautioners – Jimmy Eat World (Recommended song for this chapter).  
**

* * *

Routine, for Remus Lupin, was the best way to live by.

He wakes up at seven, turns around and softly kisses Damian's neck. Tiptoeing, he makes his way to the bathroom, shaves and takes a fifteen minutes long shower. When he's finished putting on his white cotton socks, Damian turns around and huskily whispers good morning to him.

He makes scrambled eggs, orange juice for Damian, toast, oatmeal and tea for himself. Precisely eleven minutes later, his lover joins him in the kitchen and they share a quiet breakfast while reading the paper.

He leaves thirty minutes before work, for the bookstore that hired him as a clerk is five blocks away from his house and it takes him twenty seven minutes to get there.

Today, however, the routine Remus loves so much was interrupted.

Lily stumbled out of the fireplace of his shabby house at the exact moment he left the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

"**I'm pregnant!**" she yelled.

They hugged fiercely and jumped up and down until the controlled Remus regained control of his body and said, "this can't be good for the baby."

With an impossibly huge smile plastered on her face, Lily announced: "I'm pretty sure it's going to be a girl."

They laughed.

"How did James take the news?"

"At first, he felt dizzy and couldn't stop babbling about how he couldn't understand how it had happened. He was starting to annoy me, so I dumped a glass of water into his precious hair. It stopped the babbling, but then he felt light-headed and swayed. After I made him sit, he started to cry and kiss me and he spun me around until he said, pretty much like you, "This can't be good for the baby.""

Remus laughed, wholeheartedly.

"Where is he now?"

Lily smile faltered. Remus realized he was with Sirius, giving _him_ the news.

"Oh."

"Remus, I…"

"It's okay." But it wasn't, and they knew it. "Is he still banging everything in sight?"

"He's changed, you know. " Remus's face displayed his incredulity. "He hasn't gotten drunk for over a month and hasn't resumed his preposterous behaviour when it comes to sex for longer than that. I think he really meant it when he said he loved…"

"Lily," he interrupted her, warningly. "I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to fight with you over him."

"Do you want me to?"

"To what?"

"Fight with him over you…To take your side?"

"That's lovely, but I…"

"I could hex him, you know? When we were in our fifth year, this older Gryffindor Prefect taught me a wicked Bat-Bogey hex."

Remus flashed a huge smile that actually reached his eyes.

"Maybe later."

"Okay." She paused, her eyes seeming unsure and scared. "Remus, I…I'm having a baby!"

Then she started to cry and violent sobs shook her body.

"I know. I'm scared, and it's not even _my_ baby."

* * *

Bloody hell, he was going to be a godfather.

Did this means he was supposed to be more responsible? Sirius didn't think he could take any more changes in such a short amount of time.

"Prongs, does it mean that I have to be more…you know…adult-like?"

James laughed.

"Just keep doing what you're doing now, Pads and it will be just fine." He smiled, relieved. Then something hit him. "Where's Evans, James?"

James awkwardly avoided his eyes.

"I see…"

"He's Lily's best friend." James had a pleading look into his eyes. "He's the one that walked her down the aisle. He's also one of my best friends."

It killed him knowing that he couldn't talk to Remus about the changes that a marauder baby will bring. About his or her future little fingers and toes. About the diapers they would get to change. About Lily's mood swings or Prongs' lack of sleep in near future. About being a good godfather to the baby, and a good friend to his friends.

"Does he ask about me? At all?" James didn't have to answer. He knew Remus wouldn't. "Is he still seeing that ogre?"

"They moved in together, three weeks ago." Sirius looked like he just had been punched in the gut and simultaneously hit in the head with a bludger. "I'm so sorry, Sirius. I never meant for you to find out this way. But Remus…he's serious about him. I don't think there's much hope for you and him." James's eyes were full of compassion and sorrow for his friend. "I'm truly sorry."

With a quiet crack, Sirius disapparated out of his own apartment.

* * *

"I'm afraid he's going back to his old ways, love. I can't stand to see him like that again, numbed out and careless."

"They're both very stubborn and proud men."

"It kills me to see that my best mates can't even stand each other's presence anymore. It shouldn't be like this."

"They will get their heads out of their asses soon, James, I promise. We're at war, and one of them is going to realize that sticking together is smarter than being apart. Even if they can't properly forgive each other."

"I want our little boy to know his uncles."

"Don't worry, love. Our little girl will."

* * *

**A.N: We're getting closer to end. I've only written five chapters, and since I believe no one is actually reading this, I won't write any more after it. This was sort of a filler chapter, and next one shall be confrontational.**

_Love,_

_S._


	4. The Faint Spark Of Forgiveness

**As Lovers Go - Chapter 4**

**The Faint Spark Of Forgiveness In Your Eyes**

**AN: **Due some excellent reviews, I've decided to keep on writing for as long as this story takes me. Thank you for all of those who encouraged me to keep posting for this story. And BTW, I'm not JKR and none of these characters belongs to me except for Damian, I just play with them. The lyrics belong to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals, and the title belongs to Snow Patrol.

"_Yesterday he looked at me with a tear in his eye and said:_

_I'll always tell you you're my friend,_

_I hope I don't have to lie_

_Cause it's clear you love another man;_

_I said you're damn right._

_And he said…_

_He said it's crazy how love stays with me_

_You know it hurts me_

_That I didn't figure it out before..._

_And now it's too late for a soliloquy,_

_It's way too late for dignity..._

_It's time for apologies."_

**Recommended song for this chapter: Apologies - Grace Potter and The Nocturnals**

And now, on with the story.

* * *

Anger suited Sirius Black. Remus Lupin had never seen the man look more dashing than right now, when he sensed Sirius's fury emanating through his body. It made Remus ache with longing and self-loathing, for he was powerless to fight the attraction he felt.

Sirius was sitting at the bar stool, slowly sipping tea, a rather outrageous sight since Remus knew he had only drunk Firewhisky since the ripe old age of fourteen.

"_Maybe he's really changed."_ Remus tried to stop this train of thought. _"Why is he here? This is where I take my lunch break, and he knows I don't want to talk to him."_

Sirius was there for him, that much was obvious. Eating a rare meat sandwich at the Muggle diner near his job was a habit well known by all of his friends, whether they were close friends like the Marauders or friends like Frank Longbottom or the Prewett's.

"_He must have heard about me and Damian."_ Remus sighed. _"Bloody hell! I'll hex the daylights out of Prongs next time I see him."_

However, Remus stood his ground. He wasn't one to avoid confrontation, so he did what he had to do to get this over with. He sat in Sirius's booth and looked into his intense grey eyes, his heart soaring with the sight of the man he still loved, but could never have. Traitorous heart, it gave Remus nothing but trouble.

"You're living with that bloke." Remus nodded. It wasn't a question. "Do you love him?"

For a second, Sirius looked like he was a lifetime older and this caused such a constriction in Remus's heart that his throat closed and he failed to answer.

"I deserve the truth, Remus."

"He loves me."

"And that's enough for you? Is it enough for _him_?"

"You've got no right to do this with me!" Sirius smirked, cruelly. "It's not fair, Sirius, and you know it."

"Fair? Are you honestly trying to lecture me on fair?" Remus could sense the storm coming and braced himself. "You ambushed me with an outburst of love at James' wedding! Then you're extremely hurt when I can't digest it right away! So yes, it took me a while…But I came around! I told you how I felt and you just slammed the door in my face! Literally! I exposed myself to you in ways I never had and you just…you just…"

"Walked away?" Sirius glared at him. "I can't imagine how _you_ must've felt! No wait, I think I already know!" Remus lowered his voice. They were attracting everyone's attention in the diner.

"How did you think _I_ felt when I watched you go at it with that girl at the wedding? How did you think I felt _every time_ I saw you with someone? Knowing that I could never be with you? Don't you know that letting you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do?"

Remus let out a deep sigh. Sirius always managed to make him act not as cool and collected as he wanted to be.

"I can't do it again, Sirius."

He looked away. Tears were threatening to fall and he needed to leave. Soon.

"I won't do it again."

And without looking back, Remus left the coffee shop. Sirius watched him go, without uttering a word.

"_Fuck._" Sirius thought. "_It's really over._"

* * *

Remus searched for the waves of pleasure crashing deep in Damian's grey eyes, and he shuddered when he saw them. He frowned and closed his amber ones, avoiding looking into the stormy eyes that reminded him so much of the ones that had enthralled his mind ever since he could remember.

He used to love the way Damian looked at him. But now it made him want to howl. Damian's eyes were so similar to Sirius' it was scary.

Damian's hungry lips searched for his, almost drawing blood, pushing all rational thought aside.

"_This is bliss."_

Damian understood instinctively what Remus wanted when he burst into his office in the Magical Law Enforcement Department, his cheeks red and his eyes bright, as if the werewolf was running out of time.

With one final thrust, Remus came in Damian and it helped him let go too.

* * *

"Evans, what brings your delightful presence into my humble household?"

"Cut the crap, Black."

He could tell she was pissed off by the way she kept staring at him with bloody murder written in her eyes.

"When are you going to whisk Remus away and live a happily ever after?"

Sirius always knew Lily wasn't one to beat around the bush, but he had never known how forthright she was up until that moment.

"_The subtlety of a Mountain Troll,"_ Sirius thought.

"This is war, Lils. There's no happily ever after." But she just continued to stare at him, unnerved. It was quite annoying. "He doesn't want me to."

At this, she scoffed.

"I tried to, I really did. We met today at the dreadful place he eats lunch. I tried to talk to him." He saw the question forming, and answered right away. "And he walked away. He moved on. _Bloody hell_, he moved in with that bloke, Lily!"

"And you're just going to accept that? I never took you for a coward," she said calmly. "I guess you were sorted into the wrong House, then."

"**I'm not a sodding coward, Evans!**" She sent a triumphant smirk his way.

"_Fuck,_" Sirius thought. The bloody woman knew how to push his buttons.

"Then prove it to me. Do the same thing I know that Remus, deep down, expects from you. Not this silent resignation. Nor an offer to make amends and be friends again. Why do you think he slammed the door in your face? He couldn't believe you then, and he won't believe you now if you continue to just stand dispassionately aside. Remus wanted you to _fight_ for him. To tell the world they can take it up their asses because you want him, and _only_ him!"

Sirius considered this for a moment. She might be right, but how was he supposed to know that?

"And how was I supposed to know that?"

"You just were." She sighed. "But then again, you were never the brightest wizard when it comes to feelings."

"It's true, but when it comes to shagging I know you'll agree with me that I'm a bloody genius!"

Lily Potter knew it could be worse. She could recall the days in which he had turned her into a puddle of goo with that talented tongue of his.

"Wanker."

* * *

This was England.

Of course it was raining.

Not in an it-is-the-end-of-the-world manner, but bad enough to drown Mrs. Phyllis, Remus's elderly neighbour's, flowers patch.

But Sirius could take the rain. He could fight the dreaded cold of early January.

He could fight anything for Remus.

"What the_ hell _are you doing here?"

Sirius stared menacingly at what's-his-face McDougall.

"I came here to talk to Remus."

"Well, you can't." Sirius snorted. "I won't let you."

"Bugger off, McDougall."

"No, I won't. Haven't you done enough?" Damian looked like he was trying hard to control the urge to wipe the arrogant smirk off of Sirius's wet face. "He's happy, Black. Leave us alone. He loves me, and I love him. I **won't** let you hurt him anymore."

"That was quite the speech, McDougall, but we both know you're wrong about something. Remus doesn't love _you_."

* * *

Remus was coming home back from work, cursing the dreadful January weather that drenched and ruined all of his good clothes. When he turned around the corner, the sight of Sirius's back standing in front of his doorstep made him cringe.

Damian was also there, on the front entrance of their flat; his jaw set, and he looked like he was seriously considering the possibility of hexing the daylights out of Padfoot and getting away with it.

What the _hell_ had just happened?

"Sirius! What are you doing here? Something happen to James or…"

"Moony! Nothing is wrong! I came here to…to ask you not to give up on us."

Remus looked at his friend's grey eyes, eyes that looked just like the skies above them. Then he took one good look at Damian and his heart broke. What was he doing? This wasn't fair on either of them.

"There's no us, Sirius."

"And whose fault is that?"

Remus flinched.

"I meant what I said before Moony. I love you." He got closer, invading Remus's personal space, and Sirius's breath on his face caused goosebumps to spread across his arms, and his tummy to do an awkward flop. "I want to be with you. _Only you_."

Remus couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. He couldn't tell Sirius to leave and stand by the man that looked at him, gobsmacked, from the doorway of the apartment.

"Sirius, I…" He didn't know how to respond. His heart wanted too much to believe him, to believe in everything he had been dying to hear, but never dared to think he would. But his logical mind screamed _Run for your life!_

Remus looked at Damian's destroyed and angry face and his heart broke again. It wasn't fair to string along this wonderful man, a man that had done nothing but be kind, supportive, and loving; and whose only mistake was not being able to make his heart stop and beat faster like only Sirius Black could do.

"Damian, I'm so sorry…I…"

Damian shook his head, enraged.

"You better know what you're doing Remus. If I leave, I won't come back."

"That's good."

Remus shot Sirius an irritated glance.

"Damian…"

"No." Damian took his wand out and pointed at Sirius. "This isn't over, Black."

And with a blink of the eye, he left the flat he shared with Remus.

"Shall we go inside then, Moony? I think I just lost the feeling in my toes."

* * *

It was strange how awkward silence could be between them now there was so much they could say but no words coming.

Sirius had got what he wanted. Remus's lover was gone. He had a chance of rebuilding his friendship with Moony, and becoming something more to him, something he had never thought of as a possibility before.

But he felt that if something were said, he could ruin the whole thing. Yet, he couldn't just stand still.

So Sirius did what he did best.

He took action.

* * *

Remus wasn't expecting this sudden assault.

The feeling of Sirius wet tongue harassing his was too much to handle. His brain was on overload, too much had happened in just one day. He'd had a horrible fight with Sirius at a Muggle dinner. Then he'd jumped Damian in his office, and then come home to find his best friend and his boyfriend arguing in the rain. So, his lover of five months left him. And Remus was still wrapping his mind around the fact that, apparently, Sirius Black loved him.

And was now was trying to kiss the life out of him

But this wasn't the kiss he had longed for. This frenzied kiss wasn't like the first one they had shared, filled with passion, thrilling and terrifying. The one that made him feel alive. This kiss, the one that Sirius was giving him right now, was the perfect "come hither" kiss…and it made Remus want to slap him right across the face.

Was this what he had given up on a perfectly promising relationship for?

To become one of Sirius Black conquests? Remus would rather be bitten by a werewolf again before becoming one of Sirius's sexual toys.

So Remus did what he did best.

He pushed Sirius away.

* * *

"Why?"

"Because…this wasn't what I wanted."

"You've changed your mind?" Sirius was sporting the most heart-wrenching look on his face and Remus cried out loud.

"No!" He picked his fingernails. "No, I mean…What do you expect from this? From…us? What's this all about?"

Sirius looked at him as if he had just been confounded.

"Sirius, I won't be another…diversion…for you." Remus was almost shaking. "I love…"

Sirius laughed, his bark-like laugh filling Remus's living room with its richness. "You said you had feelings for me!"

"I do." His laughter subsiding, Sirius looked straight into Remus's eyes. "I thought you were the smartest boy in our year, Moony. Can't you tell? Can't you feel? _I'm in love with you_. And I want us to be together. For real."

"Okay."

What else he was supposed to say?

"So what's stopping you from kissing me again? I thought a make-up snog was kind of mandatory."

Remus chuckled, but looked a little bit startled at the same time. This new side of their relationship would require some getting used to.

"It's just that…you know I trust you with my life right?" Sirius nodded. "And don't go ballistic on me, I do have feelings for you too, but I just…I just don't trust you with my heart." Moony closed his eyes but heard Sirius's sharp intake of breath. "It takes time."

"Moony, I can't begin to say how terribly sorry I am for hurting you, but I was hurt too." Remus sniffled a little, and Sirius searched for his hand and closed his fingers around his. "I don't know why it's easier for me to do this…But I will do it, even if you can't do it right now. I forgive you."

Sirius's eyes were shining with emotion and his voice was throaty as he spoke the words that made Remus fall in love with him all over again. "I'll wait for you, Moons. For as long as it takes."

"It might take a while."

"I don't care." Sirius gently kissed Remus's lips, and his heart tried to rip its way out of his chest. "I'll wait."

"You're mine forever, and I'm yours."

* * *

**A.N: **So here, it is what you've been waiting for! Hit that purple button on the left corner and let me know what you guys thought. Ideas, constructive criticism, gushing about your favorite Marauder and rants about anything (including my tendency of shamelessly writing while listening to OTH's soundtrack) will be welcomed. I need some ideas as how to approach this story from here, and I'm all ears (and eyes). Also, there's a pool going on my profile for "The Blues." If you've read it, please vote it!


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